Case 1643.4D - Culinary Horrors File

S.F.P.D. Police Precinct. April 12th, 2010. 1600 hours.

-McLoughlin, hand me that case file over there. No, the other one. The one with the goofy picture on the front. That's the one, thanks.

I understand you were the responding officer here? What can you tell me about these photographs?

-Well, sir, we had this Kennedy kid doing undercover work for us. He cut some deal with the D.A. so he could skip doin' time and go straight to parole. His job here was to do some investigative work on this new Double Down sandwich they're pumpin' outta those KFC joints on 32nd street. Look, I swear, sir, we had his back the whole time. We never knew that it was gonna end up li-

-Don't sweat it. Kid was a low life anyway. Just walk me through the file so I don't have to waste my time reading it.

-Y-yes, sir. Ah, let's see. At 1500 hours, Kennedy purchased the Double Down sandwich from the Taco Bell/KFC by his house. He didn't want to eat it at the store. Some weirdo privacy issue. Guy gave me the creeps. *Ahem*, anyway, he took the sandwich home with him and after he opened it up decided he needed to 'dignify the meal' in some way. He got a plate out and arranged the sandwich and potato wedges it came with to the best of his ability. Gotta say, though, with a meal that ugly he coulda used my mother's fine china annit wouldn'ta done any good.

- Jesus, McLaughlin, is that-

-Yes, sir. Two fried chicken breast patties used as buns, with two kindsa cheese on the inside, bacon, and some crazy sauce. I'm pretty sure that it was 100% animal products through and through. A fuckin' protein holocaust.

-My God...

- After a moment of preparation, Kennedy picked the sandwich up and took his first bite. The gnashing sound of 3 layers of slippery meat made him cringe. Also, his pants and shirt got squirted with grease. He said that the sandwich was "so salty he felt like he was going down on a mermaid". This is what his plate looked like after just a few bites.

- This is worse than that Ramirez case from the 80s...

- It gets worse, sir. Kennedy's hands were becoming so slippery with grease that he had to put the sandwich back in its paper wrapping.

- That sounds normal...

- Yeah well the next part is what's been keeping me up these past few nights. Kennedy said that the wrapper basically functioned as "some kinda crazy food condom". He took the remains of the sandwich out and this was the result -

- Jesus, deputy! If the next photo's any worse than this, warn me.

- Fortunately for both of us, sir, this is the last of the photographs. After that, Kennedy had this breakdown... He just kept shouting "I'm eating all this meat with my hands!!" I'm guessing he abandoned the sandwich structure of his meal and just went primal on the damn thing. He was found dead three days later in a ditch by a factory farm six miles north of Bakersfield.

- Poor bastard didn't stand a chance.